Joke Thread

[leadarrows]

Seniors Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.?

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[DynaMow]

ewwww, poor driver

[jahey]

Gross !!!!:D

[leadarrows]

I don't make these up...I just forward them.







I guess you have heard.... Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas.... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some damn West Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

[lawnchick22]

ouch that's gotta be tough on the morale

[leadarrows]

Yeah ...I wouldn't bid a buck he's worthless.

[leadarrows]

The International Olympic Committee stunned the world this morning when they awarded U.S. President Barack Obama a gold medal for Men's Skiing. When asked how this could be, considering that President Obama has never skied nor competed in the Olympic games, an IOC spokesman justified the decision by stating "Barack Obama is going downhill faster than anyone in recorded history.

[Scagguy]

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck, liberal democrat and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.. The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

[DynaMow]

thats pretty funny.


I had a laugh.

[completelawncare]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be i n heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door r eopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down ,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .



Today you voted."

[leadarrows]

An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.....?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whisky.....?


4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
Skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.


'He's gonna run for Congress.'

[Scagguy]

Dolly Parton and Princess Diana arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. Saint Peter is there to greet them both. He then says, "ladies I'm afraid I have bad news for one of you". "Heaven has only one more space available. with that being said, whoever offers me the greatest present can proceed to heaven, the other one will go straight to hell."

Dolly goes first and unbuttons her blouse and raises her breast to St. Peter and says, "wouldn't you like to have these". Well, St. Peter being a guy and all said you betcha....come on in. Princess Diana protested and said you haven't seen my offering yet.

St. Peter agreed that he had been hasty in his decision making process and asked, "ok Princess, what do you have to offer? Princess Diana apologized and said her offering was small but hoped St. Petter would consider it. With that, she pulled a douche bottle from her purse and gave to St. Peter.

St. Peter looked at it and said ok princess your in heaven, Dolly your going to hell. Dolly was shocked and asked why. St. Peter replied "everyone knows that a royal flush beats a pair....see ya."

[completelawncare]

ooooohhhhhh......thats baaadddddddd...........

[leadarrows]

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding democrats."

[marcsmith]

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding democrats."

if we made it easy to understand then wheres the fun in that.... besides he forgot the tangent to right triangle so all hes gotten is formula for an independent....

[leadarrows]

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy.'

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy..'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered.. Obama searched
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure
wouldn't be a great loss ...... and you can bet it
wouldn't be an accident either."


Hey Craig you need to move this thread to off topic.